The Journal of Mercury, the Mercurial Bandit
by Chaos Valkyrie
Summary: A blow-by-blow account of one bandit's quest to be the best little thief ever. Battleon will never be the same again... Update: Buying a House, Beavers with Chainsaws, and Showers Gone Wild.
1. Moglins Taste Like Chicken

**The Journal of Mercury the Mercurial Bandit  
****Author:** Chaos Valkyrie  
**First Conceptualized:** January 2007  
**Posted Chapter 01:** July 16, 2009

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. 'Cept a Guardian membership.

**Author's Note:** Inspired by my goofy little brain whilst playing. Enjoy.

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**Chapter One: Moglins Taste Like Chicken**

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**Journal: Day 1**

**Level:** 0

And so, the Great Wandering Bandit Mercury – Fastest Fingers in Dorville – has now come to Battleon. Of course, I neglect to mention that the population of that town _was_ one, when I _lived_ there, so…

Who cares. Time to go pick-pocketing!

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All right. So first I get into town and get greeted by this hottie Artix with his little Moglin sidekick Twilly. He gave me a quick tour and introduction to people, then asked if I had any questions. So I asked if Moglins tasted like chicken, like everyone says back home (see note above)…

Note to self: never piss off Moglins. Being chased by furry midgets with staves not on my list of fun things to do. Artix seemed to have a good time, though. I suppose I would too if I had been laughing my ass off.

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**End Notes: **Yes, Dorville is made up, and is nowhere in the game. This "journal" is really just my way of venting / musing about the things I find funny in this game. Amazing how many of my stories are spawned that way. Mercury is my character. One thing I'll note, without mentioning it in the "journal" is that half the character faces you get to choose from seem to be inspired by Naruto. There is a definite Sasuke head, one that kinda reminds me of Ino, a Tenten head, and others I'm too lazy to remember.

**About Mercury:** You can follow the link from my profile or website to my character page to see what she looks like. If you don't want to bother, she's basically a purple-haired Tenten, Rogue class originally. In this story, I figure she's around 15 years old – the typical age of rouge-ish adventurers in RPGs (I'm thinking like Meru in LoD or Rikku in FFX).


	2. BigAss Towers Equal Treasure

**The Journal of Mercury the Mercurial Bandit  
****Author:** Chaos Valkyrie  
**First Conceptualized:** January 2007  
**Posted Chapter 02:** July 16, 2009

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. 'Cept a Guardian membership.

**Author's Note: **I apologize in advance if this story develops anything remotely resembling a plot.

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**Chapter Two: Bigass Towers Equal Treasure**

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**Journal: Day 2**

**Level:** Still zero.

So after a rather fitful night of sleeping out under the stars (and avoiding irate Moglins), I decided to hit up that Guardian tower. After all, I _am_ the Great Wandering Bandit Mercury, and all wandering bandits know that Really Bigass Towers equal Lots o' Loot!

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All right. Sneaking past guards… not a problem. Since I remembered their names from the tour, I simply wrote a rather risqué note to Elsa, the female guard, signed it Jonathan, and dropped it casually in front of her when she wasn't looking. What happened next horrifically reminded me of my first day here in Battleon, except this time I got be Artix. And that guard is a lot scarier with her sword than Twilly was with that staff…

Of course, I got caught the instant I walked through the doors of the tower. Who the hell posts guards on the inside of the door when they're already outside?! Nimrod asked what I was doing there, and so I informed him that I was here to join up! The idiot actually fell for it too!

So now I get cool armor, cool weapons, and they even gave me a pet FireWere! I think I'll name him Snuffles. Or Chandler. Hm… wonder how much I can get for this armor?

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**End Notes: **I made up the guard names.I tried, but I couldn't get any kind of name off them, so I just fudged it. If they do have names, tell me, and I'll change them. Chandler is the old fashioned title for a candle maker. I figure, candles, fire, Firewere… why not? Snuffles was my name for Ifrit in FFX, but I decided to be original and not copy off myself… again.


	3. Guardian Sword Shiny

**The Journal of Mercury the Mercurial Bandit  
****Author:** Chaos Valkyrie  
**First Conceptualized:** January 2007  
**Posted Chapter 03:** July 23, 2009

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. 'Cept a Guardian membership.

**Author's Note:** Inspired by my goofy little brain whilst playing. Enjoy.

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**Chapter Three: Guardian Sword… Shiny.**

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**Journal: Day 3**

**Level:** Five

Hans is a bastard. Not only does he have a huge monopoly on the Inn and weapons market here, but he also wouldn't buy my damn armor! Or sword. The only thing he offered me money for was Chandler, and why in Battleon would I want to sell my new fire-breathing wunderpet? Please.

Also tried to lift a few things while I was in the shop. The first bag exploded in my hand – I hate when that happens. The second was right on Hans desk, and it was loaded! Must come back later when he's not around… maybe I'll let slip that Aria wants to meet him for a midnight rendezvous or something…

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So Artix offered me some advice on fighting monsters and leveling up. Some of the others offered to go fighting with me, but I didn't trust that look on Twilly's face, so I picked Warlic instead. I figure, Hot Powerful Mage plus *cough* Weak *cough* Cute Little Guardian Rogue equals My Ass Coming Out Alive.

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I love Warlic, even if his name rhymes with garlic. He always picks just the right element to attack those monsters with. Of course, I don't think he was very impressed by my skills. So I ooh-ed and ah-ed over my Guardian sword when it started glowing for my first attack. Picky picky.

And Chandler rocks. Of course, it sucks when he attacks and heals the fire monsters, but Warlic showed me how to force him to heel (Chandler, not Warlic) using his handy fireproof leash. Now, if he weren't twice my size, I'd feel more comfortable dismissing him…

Anyway, Warlic helped me get all the way up to level five! He said he thought I had the hang of it, but I really think he got sick of me laughing maniacally every time we killed something. Ah well, at least I can visit him in his shop…

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**End Notes: **The "quests" Artix sends Mercury on are basically the fights you get into hitting the "Battle" button. Real quests will be mentioned at some point… just not now. Oh, and I'm just making up intervals here for the levels until I get to my current state… I got up to level twenty-five the first day or two I played, and then I've been trying for a few levels a day since.


	4. Will Work For Stuff

**The Journal of Mercury the Mercurial Bandit  
****Author:** Chaos Valkyrie  
**First Conceptualized:** January 2007  
**Posted Chapter 04:** July 30, 2009

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. 'Cept a Guardian membership.

**Author's Note:** Yes, all chapters will be short. I think of them as quick insights into the strange thinking behind this game. Some may end up longer later on, depending on the mission.

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**Chapter Four: Will Work for Stuff **

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**Journal: Day 4**

**Level:** Twelve

Z-tokens are shiny and I love them. Some of the monsters I battled today gave me shiny shiny coins that Valencia will trade out for stuff. Stuff is, for lack of a better word, good. She also told me about some Sword of Awe do-jiggy and offered me some sort of pass for a Pet Rock. Who the hell wants a pet rock anyway? I thought that fad died out years ago…

Anywho, Artix keeps sending me out on missions. I think he appreciates my enthusiasm, but what he doesn't realize is that I'm in a hurry here. I was looking at the map at the ol' Guardian Tower earlier, and noticed that I could go to Mount Daijin and train to be a ninja! And I thought, hey, ninjas are cool! But then the fine print says you have to be level-friggin'-thirty-five! Bitch.

I think Twilly may have slipped in a few 'suggestions' for my missions. Because I can't believe Artix would send me on a quest to a frickin' volcano while its erupting!!

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**End Notes:** Who the hell did come up with the whole 'erupting volcano' backdrop?


	5. How Much Wood Could a Beaver Saw

**The Journal of Mercury the Mercurial Bandit  
****Author:** Chaos Valkyrie  
**First Conceptualized:** January 2007  
**Posted Chapter 05:** October 04, 2009

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. 'Cept a Guardian membership.

**Author's Note:** Clearing land for a tent. Makes perfect sense.

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**Chapter Five: How Much Wood Could a Beaver Saw if a Beaver had a... Chainsaw?**

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**Journal: Day 5**

**Level:** Fifteen

So Valencia finally strong-armed me into buying a house. After all the damn volcanoes I've fought at lately, it was not a hard sell. My twitchy little thief back is killing me!

'Course, all I could afford was a freaking tent. So not worth the effort of clearing all that land for. Why did I need to do that? It's a tent. Tent. Two stakes and some cloth. I don't even have a freakin' dog to guard it… looks like Chandler might get a little Fire-Were house in the yard. If it didn't look more homey than the tent, I might just do that…

*****

Clearing trees is still a bitch. All these happy forest creatures – nix that, happy-looking and deeply mentally scarring forest creatures keep come forward to prevent my attempts at deforestation. So far this has included a bush – yes, really, a _bush_ – and I think I just killed Bambi not too long ago.

Hm. I wonder if deer taste like Moglins…

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**End Notes:** No, really, why does he need it?


	6. Squeaky Bath Toys

**The Journal of Mercury the Mercurial Bandit  
****Author:** Chaos Valkyrie  
**First Conceptualized:** January 2007  
**Posted Chapter 06:** October 04, 2009

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. 'Cept a Guardian membership.

**Author's Note: **Shower monsters. Yeah.

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**Chapter Six: Squeaky Bath Toys **

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**Journal: Day 7**

**Level:** Sixteen

Two days. Two days of clearing trees and fighting flora and fauna to put up a tent. Being a really kickass bandit certainly isn't what it was cracked up to be.

Anywho, I stunk – not to mention having twigs and leaves in unmentionable places thanks to all those bushes I fought – so I snuck into the Inn to grab a shower. Had I not been so tired, perhaps none of this would have happened…

There was a darkly-dressed fighter standing in the hallway, by the name of Blackhawke. Being as tired as I was, I focused more on that wicked-looking scar of his, rather than what he was actually saying. I so desperately wanted to ask him how he got his scar – but then I remembered the 'Twilly chicken incident' and refrained.

The washroom-door looked oh-so-inviting, calling to me with its soapy siren song. Until I got in there and was grabbed by a thirty-foot freakin' squid thing! I'm getting blasted with water right and left, smacked around by these crazy tentacles, until I finally managed to subdue the thing and get out of there! Who the hell keeps a giant squid in the bathroom anyway?!

Blackhawke laughed at me when I came out and tossed me a towel. At least I'm clean now. I'm a squeaky clean bandit now – ah, the irony.

And yes, thanks to me, the shower is now safe.

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**End Notes:** That was a… unique mission. Hm.


End file.
